Dear Jackass

Dear, Spider Web:

That is quite a conundrum you’ve spun there. The answer is quite simple: you drink. A lot. And when you can no longer ignore him–because I am certain it’s a man–you leave. Because it’s not worth the jail time. But if you think is worth a little jail time, do it on a Wednesday. You’ll be out by Friday and can resume normal life. And by then, it’s the weekend. And who doesn’t love weekends? We all live for those, don’t we?

All controlling lunatics have one thing in common: they have no control over anything in their miserable lives. So they try to control every little thing. They’re too stupid to realize that the only things they can control are their own actions…unless they have tourettes syndrome, schizophrenia, epilepsy, or extreme Autism. Or they are possessed by the devil. Then they’re fucked. We’re fucked. Everything’s fucked. I should hope this lunatic is more of the normal, narcissistic type of control freak. He probably has no friends, a tiny dick, and no girlfriend. (And I bet his hands are soft, too.) Just like the man who invented 40-hour work weeks. That guy’s gotta be dead by now. Just wait it out. I’m sure this guy will be, too. He probably has a little man complex and a huge ego. Wait it out. The Viagara will either give him a stroke or wear off, and everyone will know he has a little cocktail weiner like Justin Timberlake. Did you see that video clip of his concert? That harness revealed everything. It’s shit like that that makes it obvious God exists because there’s no way that gherkins got anyone pregnant without Divine Intervention. Back to tiny dick lunatic–

What you gotta do is humor him. Tell him what he wants to hear, let him keep thinking he’s more than a fart in a hurricane, and do whatever the hell you want when you walk away. Because at the end of the day, your peace and self-preservation are worth far more than appeasing someone who’s never happy. It’s like trying to walk up the down escalator. It’s a waste of time. And when you’ve humored him as much as you can handle–walk away. Take your toys and your friends and go home. Leave him on the playground by himself. Then he will know how much control he truly has. He probably already knows, but he’s never going to admit it. Let the trash take itself out.