Dear Jackass

Dear, Rocky

Are you even old enough to be on the internet? I remember when this was all farmland…you know…before Google. Well, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about. Google wasn’t always a thing. It’s been around since 1998 or something, but most of us weren’t wealthy enough to know about it for another decade. And by then there was internet porn and a million ways to steal music off the internet and turn it into ringtones for our cell phones. We didn’t care about Google because we were too busy naming our top 10 friends on Myspace, trying to navigate facebook–which was for college students only, and talk to all our friends on AIM. Does any of this make sense to you? It might be past your bedtime. Get a translation tomorrow. I wouldn’t want your parents to know you were up late reading complete nonsense. But since you managed to get online when you should really be sleeping, I will help you out.

The reason you are being treated this way is simple: the girl secretly wants you. You know…like little boys would do in kindergarten. They were mean to the little girls they liked. Reciprocate the attention, love, and affection. I’m sure she will appreciate that. And might I ask–who’s bigger? Can you take her? Are you male or female? I’m guessing female–but this story would be even more interesting if you weren’t. It has some Shakespearean undertones…a sort of love triangle if you will. Ask one of your teachers who Shakespeare is and what these triangles were all about. It was the 1500’s. Everyone wore tights, acted like whiny little bitches, loved people who didn’t love them, and wanted to destroy anyone in their way. So basically–the same as they are now. (Why are men & boys wearing tights?) I guess we haven’t evolved much in the last 510 years–unless you’re talking about the furries. I digress.

The real reason is simple: the girl is stupid. And like Gump’s momma said, “stupid is as stupid does.” Be flattered. If she’s formed this much of an opinion of you, it’s because you’re still talked about. And if you’re still talked about, it’s because your ex isn’t over you. He secretly wants you back. Or he’s convinced her that you broke his heart and it’s because you’re a shitty person instead of the truth: you’re just not into clingy crybabies–which she obviously is. And her last resort is violence (like any other barbarian) because she knows if she doesn’t try to take you out, there’s a chance you might want him back, and she can’t handle that. Suddenly–the participation trophy won’t suffice. Maybe get her one anyway–even if you don’t want him–just to prove a point.

Now that I think about it, your ex might be a genius. He’s getting the attention he wants while trying to get two females to fight over him. That’s the high school equivalent of man-inches. Boys can say they’re still growing. But once you’re 25, and it’s still 3.5 inches, there are no more excuses. It is what it is, and you were better off to stay home that night. Don’t be stupid with her. Be flattered.

If you must do something to stop this: I suggest a restraining order. If that’s too costly, switch teams. Flirt with her. Make them both think about you that way. Then take him back while she’s distracted. And as soon as he thinks there’s a chance, toss him to the curb, switch teams, and buy a Subaru. BECAUSE LESBIANS DON”T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS.

And if all else fails, date one (or both) of their dads and become the wicked stepmother.