Dear Jackass

Dear Quitter:

I have questions. And always answers. It depends, my friend. What are we giving up?

If it’s meth–right after that last tooth falls out. You don’t want your dental bill to be more expensive because they have to remove any first. Get ready for new pearly whites! And don’t forget a gold one!

If it’s underwear–never. Because skid marks. Plus you’ll really learn how farting releases particles. It’ll be shit glitter in your pants. And who wants ball chafing? Or kitty rash?

It it’s other people’s opinions–yesterday! Because who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?!? Most people aren’t even smart enough to ride the short bus.

If it’s sleep–that depends. I know I turn into the hulk if provoked. And then an MMA fighter. Followed by a whiny toddler. Let me sleep!!

If it’s drugs or alcohol–why?? Who doesn’t want to be numb? Too bad smoking weed makes people dumber. Many of them were already licking the windows on the short bus. Now they’re licking the seats. Naked. Because they misplaced their pants.

If it’s bad habits–define bad. It’s all in how you look at things. Optimism turns bad into good.

If it’s a relationship–Tina Turner said it best. “What’s love got to do with it?”

If it’s work and your boss–see the answer for other people’s opinions! YESTERDAY!! Because why care and work hard for some ungrateful shitbag who drinks all night, sleeps all day, and chases girls who are young enough to be his daughter–only to go home and jerk off alone, anyway?? The true mind fuck is this: the ungrateful millionaires we work for are taking way more from us than people fucking the system. You don’t have to work for the man if you become him.
How to go about this: buy your boss a condolences card and tell him you’re sorry for the loss of one of the best employees he’s ever had. Then buy a sheet cake for your coworkers, congratulating yourself for moving on. But before you do all of that–make sure you’ve made the most of your situation and gotten anything and everything you can. Use up all your vacation. Or…you could do the unthinkable: call ICE and have him deported. If that doesn’t work, call a local prison and tell them you think he escaped. Whatever you do, make the exit unforgettable!!

Most importantly–if it’s this page: Never!!! Because the nonsense will get better and better. And eventually, it’ll be like shit glitter. Everywhere!!