Dear Jackass

Dear Frustrated:

Nice play with words here. Very clever. Are you a writer of sorts or just passing through? I have some questions and comments. Before I do, I must say…be glad you were only figuratively hit in the face with a phallus. I imagine it’s even more insulting literally.
1. Your first problem is obvious. You were looking for a MAN. If you want a decent human–look for a woman!
2. Have you seen his face in person or just in texts? How’d you get his number? If you’d already met in person, he only sent the face pic as a prelude to what was to come.
3. You should have immediately asked him if he thought it was handsome. Then you should have started sending him other unwarranted dick pics–as I am sure you have some. (Do any women not?) Then you should have asked him if he thought those were handsome.

This reminds me of a story about an old boss who was one of two owners of a company I used to work for. We were all at lunch one Friday, as always, and they were all drinking (I didn’t usually drink with them) and they were talking about something wildly inappropriate (and technically illegal) for a work setting (as always.) And this dumb, big-eared hillbilly was talking about his penis, and he said “He may not be big, but he’s cute.” I’m fairly certain only closeted gays think penises are cute. And I’m sure he’s secretly had more than any slutty women I know. That’s probably why his ears stick out so far. Guys grab onto them while he’s giving them BJs. He’s probably better than his wife at it. Back to your dilemma–

I highly doubt this guy (or most guys) think it’s cute. They’re just hoping you do. You should have responded with something that would be completely disgusting or repulsive so his tiny friend would go back to his home where he belongs and he changed the subject. Then you could have removed yourself from the conversation. It was in text, though, so you could have at any time, anyway.

I think the real reason men do this is because they are too cowardly to just say what they mean and get to the point. “Do you want to get laid because I do.” (When don’t they?) Instead, they play these stupid games because for the most part, they don’t easily meet some random nymphomaniac who’s as slutty as they want to be, so they have to test the waters. You don’t jump into a pool or lake if you can’t swim and hope you can touch the bottom.

You should have told him it was cute and that you miss yours and that sometimes you regret having it removed. That would have stopped all communication. And if not–you have bigger problems and need other advice!!

Or you should have said it was cute and sent him a pic of someone else’s dick and told him it turned you on. Crickets from there!!

My advice: get a damn dog! Or—look for a woman who has one. She probably drives a Subaru, played college sports, and shares her pet with an ex.