Dear Jackass

Dear Backseat Driver:

You have quite the memory. (Although I don’t know how anyone could forget about that.) That was twenty-five years ago!

If you recall, that was not my fault. Aside from the fact I am a donkey and shouldn’t have been driving in the first place, I wasn’t the one who left the door open. The two in the back seat were fighting over who was sitting where and never shut the door all the way. I didn’t know, and when I backed up, it opened all the way and caught the stairs. All of this to pick up a pizza! Happy 20th Anniversary, Mom and Dad! (I should have seen this as a sign for those two. Who could have known they only had 5 years left?)

Dad would have killed me if you all hadn’t been there. But it wouldn’t have happened if you all hadn’t been there, either. So this is one of those catch 22 situations. I will allow you to claim innocence on this one as you were just a passenger. But this is one of the only times you were innocent. How did my bed break again? Why did we have to sleep on the floor after that? You wild animal! Ha!

I’m reminded of a time when the police showed up at my house–and we both thought they were coming for us about that car chase from the night before. Remember those five guys we were gonna fight at Taco Bell in Barberton and they took off–so we chased them in my Cadillac? Fun times!

To answer your question: my parking game is beyond your scale! I haven’t torn off any doors or gotten into any accidents. And you’ll be happy to know I also got a new bed!