Dear Jackass

Dear Mrs. Yoder:

First of all–why did you get married to begin with? How long have you been married? Do your in-laws just try to control you, or do they control your spouse as well?

I am almost certain I know the answers. I am guessing you are a female, straight, and your in-laws already control your husband. How old are you? I’m guessing young. If I were to guess the situation…it would be like this…

You are newly married because you wouldn’t be questioning the control if you weren’t. They would either already be controlling you, or you would be ready to check out.

And the reason they are trying to control you is because they control him. It’s a weird Oedipus Complex–but instead of the son wanting to marry mommy, mommy has some sickness of wanting to marry her son. That’s why she won’t get him off the tit. Is she also religious? I would guess so. She probably thinks she’s protecting her son by being contentious about everything where you’re concerned. And his parents think he’s too damn stupid to run his own life–which he is–but they are just as fucking stupid if not moreso since they’re older. And he just won’t unlatch. It’s better that he stretch out her tits than yours, anyway. I digress.

The problem is, they think you are the devil for trying to get him to think on his own, and they probably use religion as a weapon to brainwash him and convince him you’re the problem when in reality he probably has a porn addiction and would rather hump the blankets than his wife. Sounds like he’s either into mommy or other men. Is he Amish? If so, his name is probably Oedipus Yoder–in which case, you need to climb the fucking fence and come back among the land of zippers and dolls with faces. And if he has a sister, she better run because she’s probably next.

My advice, Mrs. Miller, is simple: Get a divorce and run as fast as you can. Because unless you wanna share mommy’s tits, you’ll never have his attention.

Climb the fence. Find a boyfriend. Buy some pants with zippers. Sign him up for every dating site that exists. Do you have pictures of him at his most vulnerable? Use those for the profiles. Carry a permanent marker with you. Write his contact info everywhere you can. And sign him up for porn addiction meetings, sex toy shop giveaways, and applications for every gay bar in town. Because if we were being honest, he’s afraid of women and prefers men, anyway.