Dear Muumuu dresses:
Why are you even asking me for advice? If you are old enough to have these issues, then you are also past the age of giving a rat’s ass what anyone anywhere thinks about any damn thing!!! Do whatever the fuck you want! Better yet–do something 10 times crazier, blame it on your age, and let everyone else think you are medicated and just missed a dose!
I don’t know if you should get HRT, but I’m definitely on board with THC, ecstasy, and maybe banging your PCP–if he’s hot! Plan your midlife crisis. Go all out! Exhaust all possibilities before you get the granny dresses and compression socks because what immediately follows is a walker and a broken hip! Let’s not get old just yet! Your mind still seems to be intact.
Life’s short, so there’s no point in being uncomfortable. If you are hot and need to rip those clothes off…there are only a few places I suggest you don’t do that. 1. The police station. Aside from the fact it is extremely dirty, they will arrest you. Try putting clothes on while also in handcuffs. 2. While driving. If you get pulled over…see 1 above. 3. Riding any public transportation. It’s hard telling what disease you’ll contract there. 4. While baking, cooking bacon, or shaving your legs. I know lefty and righty have already headed south for the second half–and you don’t want nipple issues on top of these flashes. You think you’re burning up now!!
I would say, let nature take its course. If muumuus are cool, get ’em. See if they have some without sleeves. If not, invent them! Give up clothes. Go to naked campgrounds, beaches, and yoga. But beware–you’ll see more weiners than the Ball Park Distribution Center. And who really wants to see that?!? Unless you’re already a lesbian. If not, then welcome to your new midlife crisis!
The solution: don’t trust the government, big pharma, or any doctor. Don’t add to or take away from anything–unless it’s your clothes. This time of life gives you a chance to be naked–because before you know it–you’ll be cold all the damn time and wearing sweaters in the heat of summer.
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