Dear Jackass

Dear Body Builder:

Are people still doing that? CrossFit is so 2017. I thought everyone left that for Planet Fitness sometime around the pandemic. Then they can work on their tan and bring all their friends for $20/month. And let’s not forget the free pizza. There are a few roads I can take you down to answer this. Why choose just one? Buckle up!

First off–if your wife has a bigger dick than you, I gotta ask…is she trans?
Secondly—doesn’t the spouse of every CrossFit bitch have a bigger dick? I’d bet so. CrossFit is like the Keto diet of diets. It’s a cheat. A quick fix. And beats the hell out of your body. And for what? To prove you can work out with a bunch of other douchebags in a smelly garage and roll around a giant tire and once a year go to some sort of bullshit CrossFit tournament where you compete against other garages? Get the fuck out of here, tiny dick! If you say burpees, I say, get me some beers. If you say box jumps, I say from one case of beer to the next.

I once had a friend whose husband was a CrossFit instructor. And he competed in the douchebag Olympics. I’m not saying he has a tiny dick (don’t know or care) but I will say that vaginas are like tin roofs. If you don’t nail ’em enough, they end up at the neighbor’s. And that’s exactly what she did. Only he wasn’t her neighbor–if you get what I’m saying. Her husband has no idea. Good thing their kids look like him and not the “neighbor.”

Did you know stress can take the sex drive out of men? Cause them problems with old one eye? Not having a penis myself (thank God), I had no idea. Women are wonderful that way. Men are always ready, and they are the ones who have trouble getting laid. I don’t know a single woman who couldn’t go out and get whatever STD she wanted any given night. Because there’s always a man somewhere. Back to CrossFit.

That’s one hell of a spouse to attend and support the Douchebag Olympics! I would almost bet they are also a Brown’s fan. There’s no commitment like it! Hats off to anyone who would sit through that painful nonsense. It’d be like watching golf or NASCAR. It’s boring as hell until someone gets hit with a ball or gets too drunk and rolls their golfcart into a pond or gets a flat tire and crashes. It’s just not exciting. Until it is. But there’s no possible excitement at CrossFit. Someone splitting or shitting their pants during a dead lift or box jump might be hilarious–until you smell it. Add a bunch of people who smell like sweaty gym socks. I’m gagging at the thought.

To answer your question: what do you wear–a dress and a picnic basket. And there better be a sandwich for her in there, you little bitch! And while you’re at it–make me one, too!