Dear Jackass

Dear Scrooge:

What trailer park do you live in? They have yards? And a chimney?!? That’s fancy!

I know these people you speak of. They go to Walmart in their finest pajamas and never clean the dog shit from their yard. They don’t mow the grass until they get a citation, and there are cigarette butts all over their driveway. They’re trashy but have that Christmas Spirit!

You might be looking at this the wrong way. Maybe they didn’t leave them up way past the holiday but instead prepared early for the next. Christmas in July is only about two months away, you know. Or maybe…the neighbor gained so much weight that they are now too fat to climb their own ladder and have no way to remove Santa or bend over to pick up the sleigh and reindeer. Maybe they wanted to experience Christmas in a tropical place, but this is as good as it gets for them–because let’s be serious–even if they could afford to go on a vacation, the airport isn’t going to allow them to check their trash bags of clothes. Maybe they died in the house months ago, and instead of wishing for a fine, you should be calling the police to do a wellness check. You’ll know soon for sure when the weather really heats up.

I could go on and on with the possibilities, but let’s be serious. There’s only one reason these decorations are still up: they are their finest possessions, and they are proud to give off Clark Griswold vibes all year long.

Why don’t they get a fine, you ask? There are a few reasons. 1. Because we still have freedom in this country to be as trashy as we want. 2. Because even if it were illegal, the law has too much shit to do to worry about Santa’s reindeer getting a pickle tickle or enema from the tulips and other perennials. 3. Because you clearly don’t live in a place that has HOA fees. Perhaps you should look into that.

If it bothers you that much, Grinch, find some neighborhood kids and pay them to steal their Christmas Spirit. Timmy needs new crutches, Scrooge.