Dear Jackass

Dear Peg Bundy:

When did you move to Wisteria Lane? Didn’t you know this is one of those seven deadly sins. Thou shalt not let thy grass go untreated. You sinner!

Where do we begin? Where DON”T we begin?!?

I know these neighbors. The woman goes to church every Sunday while the man drinks beer and feeds his porn addiction. He makes a lot of money in some office because he kisses ass and not because he actually knows anything. She stays home and drives a minivan. They only have sex the one way, in the same place, twice a year, and they are both in denial that he prefers the company of men. She goes to Pilates and Yoga to pass the school days and secretly consumes 3 bottles of wine each day. They eat at home most of the time, and when they do go out, their asshole kids are unruly bastards, and they drink and ignore them for two hours.

Since they are nosey, judgmental, and lead perfect lives, there are only two possible ways to deal with them: embarrassment or fear. Join the conversation. Help them out. I always say, if someone wants to talk then you should give them something to talk about. Go with a scenario that might be believable then run with it. Treat it like your last shot at an Academy Award and own it like you stole it. Then the last thing they will be worried about is the condition of your lawn.

Here are some ideas.

Tell the woman you can’t afford to treat your grass because your husband is still paying off the mob, and you are just glad they let him leave the family. Then ask them if they ever see a black Rolls Royce or Bentley drive by. Tell them if they do, they should go inside and stay there for 24 hours. They will pretend to feel bad for you but also scared for themselves. And they will stop talking to you altogether.

Tell them you can’t afford to take care of the lawn because you paid your brother’s bond and are saving up for his prison sentence. They will either ask you why he went to jail in the first place and what he did that prison might be his future or they will just assume you are trash and leave you alone. They will feel bad for you but disgusted at the same time.

Tell them you are having money troubles and ask if they could loan you some. They will scatter like hood rats in police lights because no one wants to lend anyone money anywhere.

Tell them your first husband was abusive, and every time you didn’t keep up with the yard work, he would hit you. You finally couldn’t take it anymore and ran him over with the riding mower, and out of silent protest you refuse to do more than absolutely necessary. They won’t be able to decide if you are serious but will think you are nuts, either way.

The next time they mention the lawn, ask them if they feel ok because they are seeing things. Convince them your lawn has been treated, and the weeds are a figment of their imagination. The lady will ask the other neighbors about the condition of your lawn but not before she pulls out another bottle of wine and considers whether she has a problem.

Tell them you are getting some goats from a farm, and those goats told you they love to eat weeds. Convince them you are the goat whisperer. They will be pissed that you are getting goats but also afraid to say anything in front of you because you are clearly nuts.

Whenever I am assessing a comedy crowd or my audience in public, I live by one rule: become someone you think they will find completely repulsive and let them think it’s you. Because let’s be serious…they will never think it’s them, anyway.