Dear Jackass

Dear, Mrs. Garrett

I am guessing by your question, you are not or haven’t ever been a teacher. I am also guessing you didn’t ride the short bus or sit in classes with kids who did. There’s a short answer for this, but that wouldn’t be fun, would it? I shall take the long way–you know–like men do when they’re secretly lost and don’t want to tell you for fear you will make them ask someone for directions. The days before smart phones and google maps were wild. Even Mapquest was a bit primitive. Did you ever get directions that told you to drive to the edge of the Atlantic Ocean and swim 2,000 miles across? Fun times.

Anyway, before I get to the point, I commend you on teaching your child some manners. For your sake, I hope this child is a girl. Because teaching little boys manners once they’ve realized they can pee anywhere they want is damn near impossible. Hats off to you, either way.

This also reminds me of a time my mother and I were sitting in a hospital room with my grandmother who was just admitted with pneumonia. The nurse was asking grandmother if she had any pain anywhere. My mother pointed at me and chimed in, “yeah–a pain in my ass.” I acted appalled and offended and asked grandma, “Did you hear that, grandma? Didn’t you teach her any manners?” Grandma looked at me with complete demented seriousness and said “I couldn’t. I didn’t have time.” Mom and I burst into laughter, and the nurse got completely uncomfortable and said she needed to leave for a minute but would be back.

I’m guessing you don’t have a stick up your ass like that nurse, but it is difficult. The problem you are having is you are asking the wrong question. There’s no point to teaching your child manners because they no longer exist. It’s like teaching her how to tie her shoes when they make plenty that have snaps, velcro, or slip on. Don’t let this kid become one of the short bus riders. Don’t let her get behind. Teach her important skills like the proper time and place to use profanity, martinis should be shaken and not stirred, and if 1 middle finger is good then 2 is better. Teach that kid gun safety, self-defense, and why it is important to have a good lawyer.

To answer your question, no. There isn’t an adult remedial class for manners. And the reason for that is simple: these same people were already in all of the remedial classes, and they never showed up.

If you teach this child to act wild and crazier than the crowd, everyone else will find manners out of fear. And that, my friend, is good enough.